Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Another Daughter is Lost
Alyssa N. Funke aka Stella Ann committed suicide with a shotgun
16 April 2014.
May God Have Mercy On Her Soul.
Ex-Porn Star Tells the Truth About the Porn Industry
The following is a guest post by Shelley Lubben. Shelley, an ex-porn star, is the founder and president of The Pink Cross Foundation. Through the Pink Cross, Shelley is a missionary to the sex industry, reaching out to adult industry workers offering emotional, financial, and transitional support for those who want out of porn. She also helps those struggling with pornography and victims of pornography. Her heart is to share the truth about porn and expose the darkness of it.
Chatsworth, California produces 85% of the world’s adult content. All of the top female talent agencies are located in or within the Chatsworth local radius. Female performers are flown or fly to Chatsworth to work in the adult industry. All of the world’s top male talents live or travel to Chatsworth California for work. Every major and minor adult DVD Company is in the local Chatsworth radius.
The California pornography industry is a destructive, drug infested, abusive and sexually diseased industry which causes severe negative secondary effects on female and male adult industry workers as well as the general public. I am confident of the above because not only was I a stripper, pornographic performer and escort in the California pornography industry from 1986 to 1994, but I have also counseled with or spoken to over 300 female and male workers in the pornography industry as well as those struggling with pornography addiction.
. . . .
General Statistics
I have been working with adult industry workers since 2002, when I began volunteering as a teacher and counselor at local rescue missions and prisons in the State of California. I have worked at Madera Rescue Mission, Bakersfield Rescue Mission, Central California Women’s Facility Prison, and Valley State Prison for Women and have traveled throughout the United States as a speaker and counselor on the negative effects of pornography at various churches, recovery programs and secular organizations. My team and I currently work with hundreds of people struggling with pornography addiction in the Pink Cross Foundation Help Forums.In my daily work of assisting women and men recovering from the pornography industry as well as those struggling with pornography addiction and gathering research over a period of several years, I have learned significant facts to prove that indeed the California pornography industry is causing severe secondary negative effects on adult industry workers as well as the general public, which is involuntarily exposed to pornography, especially children, whose average age of first Internet exposure to pornography is eleven years old.
According to recent pornography stats:
- It is estimated that there are 4.2 million porn Web sites—12% of the total amount of sites—allowing access to 72 million worldwide visitors monthly.
- One-quarter of the total daily search engine requests, or 68 million, are for pornographic material, where 40 million Americans are regular visitors.
- According to comScore Media Metrix, 71.9 million people visited adult sites in August 2005, reaching 42.7 percent of the Internet audience.
- The United States adult film industry produces 4,000–11,000 films a year and earns an estimated $9–$13 billion in gross revenues annually.
- An estimated 200 production companies employ 1,200–1,500 performers. Performers typically earn $400–$1,000 per shoot and are not compensated based on distribution or sales.
- Lobbyist Bill Lyon told 60 Minutes that the porn industry employs 12,000 people in California and pays the state $36 million in taxes per year. When 60 Minutes first spoke to Lyon, he was running the free speech coalition, a trade organization that represents 900 companies in the porn business.
. . . .
Porn and STDs
Adult film performers engage in prolonged and repeated sexual acts with multiple sexual partners over short periods of time, creating ideal conditions for transmission of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). All the more concerning, high-risk sex acts are on the rise. At the same time, condom use is reportedly low in heterosexual adult films—approximately 17% for adult performers. In 2004, only two of the 200 adult film companies required the use of condoms. Performers report that they are required to work without condoms to maintain employment.These practices lead to high transmission rates of STDs and occasionally HIV among performers. After four performers contracted HIV in 1998, Sharon Mitchell, a former adult film performer, founded Adult Industry Medical, a clinic to counsel and screen performers monthly for HIV.
The current practice of periodic HIV and STD testing may detect some disease early, but often fails to prevent transmission. The most recent HIV outbreak occurred when three performers who had been compliant with monthly screening contracted HIV in April of 2004. At that time, a male performer who had tested HIV negative only three days earlier infected three of 14 female performers.
In statements I have received from females and males working in the pornography industry and those who previously worked in the industry, at least 80% admit to catching an STD while working in the California pornography industry. I personally caught the non-curable disease Genital Herpes in 1994 and was not given any information or help from porn producers or the adult industry. Recently, Jan Meza, a former porn actress who left the pornography industry in October 2007, publicly shared of late that she discovered she has Herpes. She is totally devastated in that she caught a non-curable disease. Belladonna, a well known pornographic performer states: “99% of the porn industry has Herpes.” One male pornographic performer, Rocco, 600 films and 3,000 women later says: “Every professional in the porn-world has herpes, male or female.” Tanya Burleson, formerly known as Jersey Jaxin, caught Chlamydia her first year working. She exclaimed, while speaking with me, “I don’t believe I worked with one person who didn’t at one time have an STD.” Tanya made over 200 movies in her three year career. She also says, “Performers have to pay for their own testing, their medicine and lose at least eight days of work every time they catch a sexually transmitted disease.”
Sexually transmitted diseases are highly prevalent in the pornography industry. Among 825 porn performers screened in 2000–2001, 7.7% of females and 5.5% of males had Chlamydia and 2% overall had gonorrhea. Dr. Sharon Mitchell confirms the STD prevalence in an interview with Court TV, in which she states: “66% of porn performers have Herpes, 12-28% have sexually transmitted diseases and 7% have HIV.”
. . . .
Escort Services
Pornographic performers and adult industry workers also engage in prostitution through escort agencies such as Body Miracle, Dreamgirls, and Porno Star Escorts, where they not only risk sexually transmitted disease but also HIV and hepatitis C infection.Pornographic performers usually prefer escorting because the pay is much higher and sex acts are not as degrading or physically demanding. They receive approximately $100 an hour for working in pornographic films or $1500 an hour for escorting. Adult industry workers who are also pornographic performers get paid higher than other adult escorts due to their celebrity status and can book 2-3 hour appointments and make approximately $3000 a day. Agents also lie to women in the adult industry and lure them into prostitution. Porn Star Erin Moore says, “some agents lie to the girls and tell them they are shooting a scene when instead they set up prostitution acts for them.”
While I was a pornographic performer in 1993-94 I was flown to different parts of the United States by porn companies where consumers of pornography sometimes paid me thousands of dollars to spend a weekend with them where we engaged in unprotected sex. During one appointment with a man and his wife, we engaged in unprotected sex and I passed the disease to both of them. Pornographic performers and adult industry workers definitely spread sexually transmitted diseases to the general public.
http://www.covenanteyes.com/2008/10/28/ex-porn-star-tells-the-truth-about-the-porn-industry/
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
The continuing tale of “Mary”
The continuing tale of “Mary”, the brutality and dehuminization of pornography. part #2
Why do I continue to write about “Mary”, I ask myself. For certain it is painful and I often cry while writing this blog. I honestly feel I owe it to Mary to tell what she is afraid and ashamed to do herself, to let you know of her pain and guilt, the destruction to her humanity and soul. I wish this to never happen to another woman ever and if this sad little blog raises some sort of awareness, than my experience has not gone for not. Many of you have read my previous blog concerning my shocking and sobering experience with an infamous pornography “entertainer”. http://gerilewis.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/pornography-the-ugly-truth/
I cannot reveal her name as of date and don’t know if I ever will be able to do so. Several of you have asked for an update as to the plight of “Mary”. I am saddened to report that Mary has continued in a downward spiral of delusional, irrational at times psychotic and dangerous behavior. Mary began to physically and verbally abuse me. Suffering from PTSD symptoms, I was unable to hold simple conversations without Mary loosing all self-control, a mere word such as overrated would send Mary into a tiraid of verbal abuse that escalated into physical attacks on me.
Mary’s self esteem is very very low or non-existent, often when I would bring up the subject of trying to get vocational rehabilitation or attending school Mary would become angry or desperate, saying the only thing she knows how to do is pornography and prostitution. Often pornography producers and affiliated predatory industry vultures contact her to do abusive choking and SxM films. I point out that this type of “work” is killing her soul , body and spirit.
She is in denial of admitting to her shame and guilt at being in pornography and the embarrassment it brings her family but every so often she would breakdown and admit to the damage it has done her and her family. She would often have flashbacks of being raped and/or making pornography. This would send her first into sweats and then she would suddenly become withdrawn and reclusive, locking herself in a separate bedroom for hours or days. Mary tries to assuage her pain of being brutalized, her conscience (involvement as a one time producer in pornography and exploiting other women for profit, her family’s embarrassment especially her teenage daughter’s growing realization of her mother’s business) by supporting charity groups and anti sexual slavery/abuse organizations. I try to get Mary into a rehabilitation clinic, she considers but ultimately refuses.
Mary’s usage of Valium and alcohol has also progressed to the extent that she cannot go through a day without either.She drinks from the moment she wakes untill she passes out from the combination of Valium and alcohol. Mary has resumed performing sex shows and prostitution on the internet . Mary is in a panic as her once over the top popularity is declining rapidly and she has had to reduce her fee to compete with the younger and more popular woman involved in the sex trade. She is considering returning to making dvds despite the danger of rampant STD and HIV (she was rumored to have contracted HIV but denied the accusation on line) to in the pornography industry, return to stripping or both. Mary detest stripping as the customers touch her and suffering from agrophobia she has to leave the home which compounds the agrophobia disorder. Mary is also very paranoid for good reason as she has suffered from brutal attacks, rapes, druggings, and preditory stalkers. Mary has a permit to carry a concealed weapon in several states and is very proficient in marksmanship, having completed several weapons courses before the onset of her diseases.
http://gerilewis.wordpress.com/2011/10/10/the-continuing-tale-of-mary-the-brutality-and-dehuminization-of-pornography/
I cannot reveal her name as of date and don’t know if I ever will be able to do so. Several of you have asked for an update as to the plight of “Mary”. I am saddened to report that Mary has continued in a downward spiral of delusional, irrational at times psychotic and dangerous behavior. Mary began to physically and verbally abuse me. Suffering from PTSD symptoms, I was unable to hold simple conversations without Mary loosing all self-control, a mere word such as overrated would send Mary into a tiraid of verbal abuse that escalated into physical attacks on me.
Mary’s self esteem is very very low or non-existent, often when I would bring up the subject of trying to get vocational rehabilitation or attending school Mary would become angry or desperate, saying the only thing she knows how to do is pornography and prostitution. Often pornography producers and affiliated predatory industry vultures contact her to do abusive choking and SxM films. I point out that this type of “work” is killing her soul , body and spirit.
She is in denial of admitting to her shame and guilt at being in pornography and the embarrassment it brings her family but every so often she would breakdown and admit to the damage it has done her and her family. She would often have flashbacks of being raped and/or making pornography. This would send her first into sweats and then she would suddenly become withdrawn and reclusive, locking herself in a separate bedroom for hours or days. Mary tries to assuage her pain of being brutalized, her conscience (involvement as a one time producer in pornography and exploiting other women for profit, her family’s embarrassment especially her teenage daughter’s growing realization of her mother’s business) by supporting charity groups and anti sexual slavery/abuse organizations. I try to get Mary into a rehabilitation clinic, she considers but ultimately refuses.
Mary’s usage of Valium and alcohol has also progressed to the extent that she cannot go through a day without either.She drinks from the moment she wakes untill she passes out from the combination of Valium and alcohol. Mary has resumed performing sex shows and prostitution on the internet . Mary is in a panic as her once over the top popularity is declining rapidly and she has had to reduce her fee to compete with the younger and more popular woman involved in the sex trade. She is considering returning to making dvds despite the danger of rampant STD and HIV (she was rumored to have contracted HIV but denied the accusation on line) to in the pornography industry, return to stripping or both. Mary detest stripping as the customers touch her and suffering from agrophobia she has to leave the home which compounds the agrophobia disorder. Mary is also very paranoid for good reason as she has suffered from brutal attacks, rapes, druggings, and preditory stalkers. Mary has a permit to carry a concealed weapon in several states and is very proficient in marksmanship, having completed several weapons courses before the onset of her diseases.
http://gerilewis.wordpress.com/2011/10/10/the-continuing-tale-of-mary-the-brutality-and-dehuminization-of-pornography/
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Pornography the ugly truth.
Pornography the ugly truth!
Pornography destroys, corrupts and is a detriment to society. There was a time in my life I never gave a thought as to the results of pornography on our children, myself, and especially the women involved in this brutal trade. Trade? Yes pornography is a trade and what is traded is morality and humanity for money. `
While on active duty in the US Army I began watching pornography on a regular basis. The debasing and objectification of women corrupted my relationship with women, therefore I subconsciously viewed women as disposable and without compassion. I wasted and ruined one marriage and many relationships as a result of this subconscious and conscious reenforcement of questionable sex acts and outright brutality. It took many years of therapy to overcome this acceptance that pornography does no harm to anyone, especially myself.
Furthermore as my daughter was born 13 years ago, I asked myself would I want my daughter involved in pornography? Is it ok for her to watch pornography? of course the answer is a resounding , NO! Did you know national statistics reveal that upwards of 65% of 12 year olds have viewed pornography and 55% view pornography on a regular basis.
This could have been the end of my little rant on pornography and it s harmful effects on society but I had the uncanny chance of not only meeting but dating an infamous adult actress and entertainer. The following is a condensed synapses of my experience with her, it has left me broken in my heart (the brutality, abuse and destruction of this ugly business affecting me in a residual manor) and a desire to express to the world the human toll of the pornography trade.
For the past 6 months I have been caring for an increasingly disabled woman. I will refer to her as “Mary.”
She has become disabled physically as well as mentally due to her involvement in the pornographic industry as well as various abusive acts.
Having befriended Mary, I have become aware of the horrific virtual enslavement of women in sex trade. Control of these girls/women is achieved through drugs ( prescription and street,) and physical & mental abuse.
Mary has been mentally abused and raped from an early age, beginning at the age of 12 yrs old and by the time she became 18 she was involved in pornography & prostitution.
Much as a race horse is used to make profit for owners, Mary has been used to make pornographers and associated profit.
Mary has been fed a steady diet of street drugs, alcohol & prescription anti depressant to keep her working in pornography/sex industry.
Mary has suffered /survived brutal attacks, robbery rapes, despicable acts of abuse by men. Mary has been swindled out of all the money she made by a thug/pimp of an ex husband.
Now @ the end of her usefulness to pornographers, lawyers and associated predatory industry people, her only source of income is to work as a “Web Cam” model performing sex shows to perverts on the internet and prostitution.The constant fear of being beat or murdered on a call, the physical & mental abuse has left Mary a paranoid, depressed,alcoholic woman.
Mary has a plethora of serious disorders and maladies, among them severe gastro- intestinities that causes hemorrhage, a rare eye disorder, vertigo, nausea, intense migraine and spinal problem.Mary’s alcohol dependency is so severe that she has a physical dependency that requires a monitored medical detoxification. She ingests a daily cocktail of alcohol and prescribed drugs such as Vallum & Pristique to allow her to “work” This work mentally debilitates her more and more as the customers verbally insult & demean her which reinforces a destructive cycle of increased alcohol & prescribed drug use.
Mary is often unable to distinguish reality from fantasy. She watches conspiracy and end of the world programs virtually from the second she wakes until she sleeps with the programs running in a que sub consciously reinforcing a negative, harmful fearful attitude.She often is mentally and physically unable to perform daily chores such a laundry, cleaning, driving, shopping and cooking.There are times that she is so severely depressed she will not leave the house for weeks, get out of bed or even shower.
I have been increasingly caring for Mary.
First of all I have been paying Mary’s rent and utilities, this allows Mary not to “work” at the webcamera.
Moreover my presence gives her a connection to reality and a loving, caring person. This care has a positive effect on Mary’s general well being. Her attitude improves greatly as well as mental state.
The more contact I have with Mary the more her mental state improves. My presence keeps her from “working webcam” I am able to administer positive reinforcement therapy and genuine care to Mary.
You see Mary wishes to get out of this sordid trade. She has attempted in the past to break out of the vicious cycle but has been forced by necessity or coercion of unscrupulous porn associated lawyers.
Being a certified first responder, I recognize the severe and urgent need to get not only medical help for Mary but compassionate humane interaction.
I have had to monitor Mary often as her gastro problem causes her to vomit and defecate blood indicating severe dangerous hemorrhage. She becomes incapacitated often fainting or collapsing. I have had to carry her to bed and monitor her vitals
Mary is a very intelligent, beautiful, compassionate woman. She has a soul and a heart, it has been suppressed and virtually held captive by the sex trade. She has a 12 year old daughter who she cares for with out support from an abusive negligent ex husband.
It is my opinion that Mary is in danger of an accidental overdose and death.
I saw a glimpse of the beautiful person Mary is when lucid and able to express her feelings and desires but she needs so much more help than I’m able to give her.
http://gerilewis.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/pornography-the-ugly-truth/
While on active duty in the US Army I began watching pornography on a regular basis. The debasing and objectification of women corrupted my relationship with women, therefore I subconsciously viewed women as disposable and without compassion. I wasted and ruined one marriage and many relationships as a result of this subconscious and conscious reenforcement of questionable sex acts and outright brutality. It took many years of therapy to overcome this acceptance that pornography does no harm to anyone, especially myself.
Furthermore as my daughter was born 13 years ago, I asked myself would I want my daughter involved in pornography? Is it ok for her to watch pornography? of course the answer is a resounding , NO! Did you know national statistics reveal that upwards of 65% of 12 year olds have viewed pornography and 55% view pornography on a regular basis.
This could have been the end of my little rant on pornography and it s harmful effects on society but I had the uncanny chance of not only meeting but dating an infamous adult actress and entertainer. The following is a condensed synapses of my experience with her, it has left me broken in my heart (the brutality, abuse and destruction of this ugly business affecting me in a residual manor) and a desire to express to the world the human toll of the pornography trade.
For the past 6 months I have been caring for an increasingly disabled woman. I will refer to her as “Mary.”
She has become disabled physically as well as mentally due to her involvement in the pornographic industry as well as various abusive acts.
Having befriended Mary, I have become aware of the horrific virtual enslavement of women in sex trade. Control of these girls/women is achieved through drugs ( prescription and street,) and physical & mental abuse.
Mary has been mentally abused and raped from an early age, beginning at the age of 12 yrs old and by the time she became 18 she was involved in pornography & prostitution.
Much as a race horse is used to make profit for owners, Mary has been used to make pornographers and associated profit.
Mary has been fed a steady diet of street drugs, alcohol & prescription anti depressant to keep her working in pornography/sex industry.
Mary has suffered /survived brutal attacks, robbery rapes, despicable acts of abuse by men. Mary has been swindled out of all the money she made by a thug/pimp of an ex husband.
Now @ the end of her usefulness to pornographers, lawyers and associated predatory industry people, her only source of income is to work as a “Web Cam” model performing sex shows to perverts on the internet and prostitution.The constant fear of being beat or murdered on a call, the physical & mental abuse has left Mary a paranoid, depressed,alcoholic woman.
Mary has a plethora of serious disorders and maladies, among them severe gastro- intestinities that causes hemorrhage, a rare eye disorder, vertigo, nausea, intense migraine and spinal problem.Mary’s alcohol dependency is so severe that she has a physical dependency that requires a monitored medical detoxification. She ingests a daily cocktail of alcohol and prescribed drugs such as Vallum & Pristique to allow her to “work” This work mentally debilitates her more and more as the customers verbally insult & demean her which reinforces a destructive cycle of increased alcohol & prescribed drug use.
Mary is often unable to distinguish reality from fantasy. She watches conspiracy and end of the world programs virtually from the second she wakes until she sleeps with the programs running in a que sub consciously reinforcing a negative, harmful fearful attitude.She often is mentally and physically unable to perform daily chores such a laundry, cleaning, driving, shopping and cooking.There are times that she is so severely depressed she will not leave the house for weeks, get out of bed or even shower.
I have been increasingly caring for Mary.
First of all I have been paying Mary’s rent and utilities, this allows Mary not to “work” at the webcamera.
Moreover my presence gives her a connection to reality and a loving, caring person. This care has a positive effect on Mary’s general well being. Her attitude improves greatly as well as mental state.
The more contact I have with Mary the more her mental state improves. My presence keeps her from “working webcam” I am able to administer positive reinforcement therapy and genuine care to Mary.
You see Mary wishes to get out of this sordid trade. She has attempted in the past to break out of the vicious cycle but has been forced by necessity or coercion of unscrupulous porn associated lawyers.
Being a certified first responder, I recognize the severe and urgent need to get not only medical help for Mary but compassionate humane interaction.
I have had to monitor Mary often as her gastro problem causes her to vomit and defecate blood indicating severe dangerous hemorrhage. She becomes incapacitated often fainting or collapsing. I have had to carry her to bed and monitor her vitals
Mary is a very intelligent, beautiful, compassionate woman. She has a soul and a heart, it has been suppressed and virtually held captive by the sex trade. She has a 12 year old daughter who she cares for with out support from an abusive negligent ex husband.
It is my opinion that Mary is in danger of an accidental overdose and death.
I saw a glimpse of the beautiful person Mary is when lucid and able to express her feelings and desires but she needs so much more help than I’m able to give her.
http://gerilewis.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/pornography-the-ugly-truth/
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Meeting this Saturday
St Joseph's Freedom Group a Small Group od St Longinus Recovery Resources will be meeting at St Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Escapes the Killer Porn Industry
Porn Star Elizabeth Rollings Escapes the Killer Porn Industry
-This was originally posted on www.ThePinkCross.org. We have Jan Meza’s permission to post here as well.
I lay there covered in semen, saliva and sweat from twenty five different men. Disgusted, sore, defiled and void of all emotions, a part of me died that day; my soul was shredded and separated among the twenty five men who I just sold my body for.
My journey into the porn industry was justified by my desperate need to feed my three children. I was a destitute single mother who would have done anything for my children.
My first porn scene was filmed in Las Vegas in 2006 for Clint and his porn company Sensational Video. It was shot in an apartment. There was no fancy set, no personal changing area, no security, just a rundown, run of the mill hole in the wall. I was told it was a “test” shoot and that I was lucky to get paid for it, but that if I went through with it, I would gain fame and fortune. So begrudgingly, I did the scene.
In an hour the abuse was over and I was paid $300. As I was ushered out the door and promised more work, the next victim walked in. As I drove home with a knotted stomach, my only thought was that I had just sold my soul for $300 dollars. I vowed never to do it again and was sure I would never make another movie, but I was wrong.
Eight months later, it was the same situation. I was in need of money even though I was working full time. The demands of being a single mother with no help from my ex husband was too much to handle. A couple of men I knew had seen my first movie and encouraged me to make more. I relived the trauma over in mind and wanted to cry, but I believed desperate times called for desperate measures. I wanted the fast money in hopes to cure my stress about finances; little did I realize my stress had only begun.
I posted a profile on sexyjobs.com and not even five minutes later I received what seemed like a million phone calls from so called producers and agencies, all with promises of grandeur and instant wealth. I got some weird calls too, men asking me if I would beat them up or sleep with underage boys on camera; I immediately hung up on them.
Having received no formal education about the porn industry, I accepted a “gig” from a producer in Compton, California who ran Tiger Media Group. I had never been to Compton and didn’t know what to expect, but I needed the money.
When I got to the hotel I was informed that the producer, who looked shabbier than the room, was also the male performer or “talent” and I was to pleasure not only him, but the female companion he brought with him. I was taken back; I was told it was going to be a boy/girl scene not a boy/girl and then girl/girl scene. It was double the expected scene for the price of one, but what was I going to do? They knew I was a single Mom and needed the money so they took advantage of me.
Before the scene started the producer told me I needed to show him my ID and sign a model release with legal terms I didn’t understand. Since I was new and uneducated about the ways of porn, I naively thought it was for his tax purposes. When I asked him if he was going to wear a condom he shoved an AIM’s test in my face and said we would not be using a condom. He never asked me for an STD test or said that one was required of me.
When the abuse was over, I was sore, tired and disgusted with the others and with myself. The producer paid me half of what he promised to pay me and said the check for the rest would be in the mail. I trusted him because he sounded professional. The check never came.
Within days I began to drink heavily and take pain killers that I had laying around for a previous back injury. I started popping pills, especially when it came time to do a porn movie. The porn industry offered me drugs, too. I was offered marijuana and alcohol from porn producers and other porn stars and I gladly accepted the drugs and alcohol. I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over-sized penis or from being told to hold poses for still camera shots while being penetrated and choked. Every scene was at least two hours or more because of the need to do freeze frame pics and get good angles and lighting. I was degraded on camera and had to like it or else no pay! I was called names like bitch, whore, slut and because I was in the BBW (big beautiful women) niche, my weight was consistently used as a form of exploitation and insult. I was actually told not to lose weight or that I would never make it in the biz.
I was also forced into prostitution. Producers lied and sent me to do “privates” for high paying clients that my agent got a nice percentage of. I wasn’t in control of my life anymore and I completely lost my identity as Jan and turned into the demonized character Elizabeth Rollings, the porn star.
I sold my soul to the devil without even knowing it. Ironically, I later performed a brutal gangbang for Devil’s Films.
About six months into the porn lifestyle I was offered my own web site. A husband and wife team by the name of Ditto and Dutch who owned their own pay sites had an idea for a BBW network and wanted me to be their top model. I was promised if I worked tirelessly on my web site that I would gain financial freedom which appealed to me as I did not want to do hardcore scenes anymore. The guy made a contract convinced me that it was all for my benefit and when I suggested a lawyer read it over, Dutch guilt tripped me into signing it because of our so called “friendship” and besides; he promised me he would never keep the site up if we parted ways.
Of course, I fell for it. What drugged up alcoholic and traumatized woman wouldn’t?
It wasn’t long before Dutch started propositioning me for sex aside from the website work we did together and telling me if I didn’t have sex with him it would cost me. He often did this right after a scene, filling his selfish, lustful desires while his wife Ditto was downstairs. He threatened me time after time and said he would financially break me if I didn’t obey. He wasn’t the only producer to force me to do off camera sex acts. Prostitution was a form of manipulation producers use to get off and get more scenes out of the women. But I trusted Dutch. I thought he cared about me. I never thought he would have done this to me.
One particular producer Gabor, owner of Heatwave Video, really loved to use on the side sex as a tool for manipulation, telling me how much he loved me and that I was his number one model and that having sex with him was a sure way to have continued work. Gabor even sponsored a booth for me at LA Erotica in 2007, where I was billed as the first BBW to ever have a booth. He was happy to do it as long as I “gave it up” whenever he demanded. He was nothing more than a glorified pimp. I was assured that having a booth would help me gain more exposure and of course more money. I was nothing more than a puppet on a string.
As time went on and my thoughts of hopelessness and desperation grew, my web designer Dutch fed off of it like a plague. I wanted to die. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Every day was a good day to drink heavily and ultimately I lost my normal job. I hated myself for being a horrible mother and just like in the beginning of my journey into porn; I was desperate only this time for a way out.
The abuse and pain was so bad that I ended up in the emergency room from a nervous breakdown. My world was a blur and I just wanted to end it all. But when I told my web designer that I couldn’t do it anymore, all hell broke loose. His threats worsened and of course he refused to take the web site down. In fact, it is still up and I have NOT received any money from it since mid 2007. I’ve reminded Dutch many times of our verbal agreement, but he just laughs in my face and tells me that he has a couple thousand to burn in a courtroom but I on the under hand am broke.
Facing the idea of committing suicide and feeling like I had no hope and not knowing who I was anymore I got on my knees and cried out to God for help. After a couple hours of tearful praying I went online to look for answers and Googled “porn help” and there she was my own personal guardian angel on earth, Shelley Lubben. I immediately contacted Shelley and told her my story and it didn’t take her long before she was sending me encouraging words from God, numerous gift cards to help feed me and my children and resources in my area to help aide me in my recovery. Not only was Shelley Lubben concerned with the physical and mental well being of me and my family, but she began to mentor me back into the relationship I once knew with Christ Jesus.
As I became close with God again, He began to heal me and one of the ways He did that was using my painful experience to help others. Not long after that day I searched online for help, I was suddenly involved in helping other women who were hurting just like me! Shelley asked me to join her in her outreach to women in porn and in 2008; I went back to the porn industry only this time I was on a powerful mission from God: I was out of the industry and into the ministry!
That year at the AVN Las Vegas porn convention, I found true purpose for my life. I knew what I was called to do: to help champion the cause against porn and rescue other women and men trapped in porn.
But the devil was fuming mad with me and wasn’t going to let me get away that easily.
In April of 2008, I felt very ill and reluctantly went to the E.R. Frightened at what it could possibly be; I was diagnosed with Chlamydia and herpes, a non curable sexually transmitted disease. My whole world came crashing down. I didn’t understand how God could let this happen! I mean, I did the right thing by getting out of the industry and now this? I always thought I was safe by getting tested on a monthly basis for STD’s through AIM(Adult Industry Medicine), but the so called “doctors” at AIM lied to me.
At that moment I had a choice to make. Would I blame God for my STDs and fall back into a pornographic world of lies or would I accept the fact that these are the consequences for being involved with an illegal and diseased industry.
I made the right choice. I didn’t give up. I cried out to the Lord Jesus Christ and He comforted me and strengthened me to continue to recover and do His great work.
Three years later I’m still volunteering with Shelley through the Pink Cross Foundation. I have witnessed God do supernatural miracles among those suffering in porn. I myself have been miraculously healed from herpes. It’s been three years and I have not had an outbreak. Shelley and the team prayed for me and just like Shelley, I am herpes-free through the power of Jesus Christ!
I have hugged and loved thousands of people in over 20 porn outreaches in three years. I have heard the heartbreaking stories of women just like me and even the men, sometimes drunk or high, come to our booth for help. Porn fans and porn stars, no matter, they all are searching for love and education. They want to know how we are recovering so strong. They want to feel like they matter and have purpose in this life. They want to be champions in life and Pink Cross reaches out and teaches them how to do it.
Working with Shelley and the team has been amazing and I am one of the women who hasn’t given up on her. It has been extremely difficult to face my past over and over again and relive those horrible memories in the middle of a porn convention, but how can I not reach out to my sisters and brothers who are suffering like I was?
I have witnessed a lot in this porn fight. People in porn sometimes think Shelley Lubben is a liar and using them for money. Of course, they believe the lies of crooked pornographers. The girls we reach out to are often addicted to drugs and alcohol and mix that in with the fact they do not trust anyone, you can imagine what Shelley and her family go through on a daily basis trying to reach out to these women.
I have seen Shelley suffer and sacrifice in ways unbelievable to help women and men escape porn. She constantly gives of herself without care to what will happen to her and her family because she truly believes God loves these people and will no longer tolerate the inhumane treatment of beautiful human lives that He created for greatness. Shelley always tells the women and men in porn, “You are made for greater things than porn.”
I’m so grateful to God to be alive and even share my testimony with you. I have performed in over 40 porn films including a gang bang scene with 25 men, over 20 pornographic websites including my own and 3 pornographic magazines. I want you to know the truth, the porn companies DO NOT care about human value, they do not care if the men and women who perform in porn, God’s children, live or die. The porn performers are NOTHING but replaceable objects that keep porn companies wealthy while the majority (at least 95%) of porn performers struggle to make ends meet. Porn is NOT glamorous, this is my story, and this is my truth.
Jan Meza, formerly known as the dead woman “Elizabeth Rollings”
http://pornharms.com/personal/2011/05/05/porn-star-elizabeth-rollings-escapes-the-killer-porn-industry/
I lay there covered in semen, saliva and sweat from twenty five different men. Disgusted, sore, defiled and void of all emotions, a part of me died that day; my soul was shredded and separated among the twenty five men who I just sold my body for.
My journey into the porn industry was justified by my desperate need to feed my three children. I was a destitute single mother who would have done anything for my children.
My first porn scene was filmed in Las Vegas in 2006 for Clint and his porn company Sensational Video. It was shot in an apartment. There was no fancy set, no personal changing area, no security, just a rundown, run of the mill hole in the wall. I was told it was a “test” shoot and that I was lucky to get paid for it, but that if I went through with it, I would gain fame and fortune. So begrudgingly, I did the scene.
In an hour the abuse was over and I was paid $300. As I was ushered out the door and promised more work, the next victim walked in. As I drove home with a knotted stomach, my only thought was that I had just sold my soul for $300 dollars. I vowed never to do it again and was sure I would never make another movie, but I was wrong.
Eight months later, it was the same situation. I was in need of money even though I was working full time. The demands of being a single mother with no help from my ex husband was too much to handle. A couple of men I knew had seen my first movie and encouraged me to make more. I relived the trauma over in mind and wanted to cry, but I believed desperate times called for desperate measures. I wanted the fast money in hopes to cure my stress about finances; little did I realize my stress had only begun.
I posted a profile on sexyjobs.com and not even five minutes later I received what seemed like a million phone calls from so called producers and agencies, all with promises of grandeur and instant wealth. I got some weird calls too, men asking me if I would beat them up or sleep with underage boys on camera; I immediately hung up on them.
Having received no formal education about the porn industry, I accepted a “gig” from a producer in Compton, California who ran Tiger Media Group. I had never been to Compton and didn’t know what to expect, but I needed the money.
When I got to the hotel I was informed that the producer, who looked shabbier than the room, was also the male performer or “talent” and I was to pleasure not only him, but the female companion he brought with him. I was taken back; I was told it was going to be a boy/girl scene not a boy/girl and then girl/girl scene. It was double the expected scene for the price of one, but what was I going to do? They knew I was a single Mom and needed the money so they took advantage of me.
Before the scene started the producer told me I needed to show him my ID and sign a model release with legal terms I didn’t understand. Since I was new and uneducated about the ways of porn, I naively thought it was for his tax purposes. When I asked him if he was going to wear a condom he shoved an AIM’s test in my face and said we would not be using a condom. He never asked me for an STD test or said that one was required of me.
When the abuse was over, I was sore, tired and disgusted with the others and with myself. The producer paid me half of what he promised to pay me and said the check for the rest would be in the mail. I trusted him because he sounded professional. The check never came.
Within days I began to drink heavily and take pain killers that I had laying around for a previous back injury. I started popping pills, especially when it came time to do a porn movie. The porn industry offered me drugs, too. I was offered marijuana and alcohol from porn producers and other porn stars and I gladly accepted the drugs and alcohol. I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over-sized penis or from being told to hold poses for still camera shots while being penetrated and choked. Every scene was at least two hours or more because of the need to do freeze frame pics and get good angles and lighting. I was degraded on camera and had to like it or else no pay! I was called names like bitch, whore, slut and because I was in the BBW (big beautiful women) niche, my weight was consistently used as a form of exploitation and insult. I was actually told not to lose weight or that I would never make it in the biz.
I was also forced into prostitution. Producers lied and sent me to do “privates” for high paying clients that my agent got a nice percentage of. I wasn’t in control of my life anymore and I completely lost my identity as Jan and turned into the demonized character Elizabeth Rollings, the porn star.
I sold my soul to the devil without even knowing it. Ironically, I later performed a brutal gangbang for Devil’s Films.
About six months into the porn lifestyle I was offered my own web site. A husband and wife team by the name of Ditto and Dutch who owned their own pay sites had an idea for a BBW network and wanted me to be their top model. I was promised if I worked tirelessly on my web site that I would gain financial freedom which appealed to me as I did not want to do hardcore scenes anymore. The guy made a contract convinced me that it was all for my benefit and when I suggested a lawyer read it over, Dutch guilt tripped me into signing it because of our so called “friendship” and besides; he promised me he would never keep the site up if we parted ways.
Of course, I fell for it. What drugged up alcoholic and traumatized woman wouldn’t?
It wasn’t long before Dutch started propositioning me for sex aside from the website work we did together and telling me if I didn’t have sex with him it would cost me. He often did this right after a scene, filling his selfish, lustful desires while his wife Ditto was downstairs. He threatened me time after time and said he would financially break me if I didn’t obey. He wasn’t the only producer to force me to do off camera sex acts. Prostitution was a form of manipulation producers use to get off and get more scenes out of the women. But I trusted Dutch. I thought he cared about me. I never thought he would have done this to me.
One particular producer Gabor, owner of Heatwave Video, really loved to use on the side sex as a tool for manipulation, telling me how much he loved me and that I was his number one model and that having sex with him was a sure way to have continued work. Gabor even sponsored a booth for me at LA Erotica in 2007, where I was billed as the first BBW to ever have a booth. He was happy to do it as long as I “gave it up” whenever he demanded. He was nothing more than a glorified pimp. I was assured that having a booth would help me gain more exposure and of course more money. I was nothing more than a puppet on a string.
As time went on and my thoughts of hopelessness and desperation grew, my web designer Dutch fed off of it like a plague. I wanted to die. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Every day was a good day to drink heavily and ultimately I lost my normal job. I hated myself for being a horrible mother and just like in the beginning of my journey into porn; I was desperate only this time for a way out.
The abuse and pain was so bad that I ended up in the emergency room from a nervous breakdown. My world was a blur and I just wanted to end it all. But when I told my web designer that I couldn’t do it anymore, all hell broke loose. His threats worsened and of course he refused to take the web site down. In fact, it is still up and I have NOT received any money from it since mid 2007. I’ve reminded Dutch many times of our verbal agreement, but he just laughs in my face and tells me that he has a couple thousand to burn in a courtroom but I on the under hand am broke.
Facing the idea of committing suicide and feeling like I had no hope and not knowing who I was anymore I got on my knees and cried out to God for help. After a couple hours of tearful praying I went online to look for answers and Googled “porn help” and there she was my own personal guardian angel on earth, Shelley Lubben. I immediately contacted Shelley and told her my story and it didn’t take her long before she was sending me encouraging words from God, numerous gift cards to help feed me and my children and resources in my area to help aide me in my recovery. Not only was Shelley Lubben concerned with the physical and mental well being of me and my family, but she began to mentor me back into the relationship I once knew with Christ Jesus.
As I became close with God again, He began to heal me and one of the ways He did that was using my painful experience to help others. Not long after that day I searched online for help, I was suddenly involved in helping other women who were hurting just like me! Shelley asked me to join her in her outreach to women in porn and in 2008; I went back to the porn industry only this time I was on a powerful mission from God: I was out of the industry and into the ministry!
That year at the AVN Las Vegas porn convention, I found true purpose for my life. I knew what I was called to do: to help champion the cause against porn and rescue other women and men trapped in porn.
But the devil was fuming mad with me and wasn’t going to let me get away that easily.
In April of 2008, I felt very ill and reluctantly went to the E.R. Frightened at what it could possibly be; I was diagnosed with Chlamydia and herpes, a non curable sexually transmitted disease. My whole world came crashing down. I didn’t understand how God could let this happen! I mean, I did the right thing by getting out of the industry and now this? I always thought I was safe by getting tested on a monthly basis for STD’s through AIM(Adult Industry Medicine), but the so called “doctors” at AIM lied to me.
At that moment I had a choice to make. Would I blame God for my STDs and fall back into a pornographic world of lies or would I accept the fact that these are the consequences for being involved with an illegal and diseased industry.
I made the right choice. I didn’t give up. I cried out to the Lord Jesus Christ and He comforted me and strengthened me to continue to recover and do His great work.
Three years later I’m still volunteering with Shelley through the Pink Cross Foundation. I have witnessed God do supernatural miracles among those suffering in porn. I myself have been miraculously healed from herpes. It’s been three years and I have not had an outbreak. Shelley and the team prayed for me and just like Shelley, I am herpes-free through the power of Jesus Christ!
I have hugged and loved thousands of people in over 20 porn outreaches in three years. I have heard the heartbreaking stories of women just like me and even the men, sometimes drunk or high, come to our booth for help. Porn fans and porn stars, no matter, they all are searching for love and education. They want to know how we are recovering so strong. They want to feel like they matter and have purpose in this life. They want to be champions in life and Pink Cross reaches out and teaches them how to do it.
Working with Shelley and the team has been amazing and I am one of the women who hasn’t given up on her. It has been extremely difficult to face my past over and over again and relive those horrible memories in the middle of a porn convention, but how can I not reach out to my sisters and brothers who are suffering like I was?
I have witnessed a lot in this porn fight. People in porn sometimes think Shelley Lubben is a liar and using them for money. Of course, they believe the lies of crooked pornographers. The girls we reach out to are often addicted to drugs and alcohol and mix that in with the fact they do not trust anyone, you can imagine what Shelley and her family go through on a daily basis trying to reach out to these women.
I have seen Shelley suffer and sacrifice in ways unbelievable to help women and men escape porn. She constantly gives of herself without care to what will happen to her and her family because she truly believes God loves these people and will no longer tolerate the inhumane treatment of beautiful human lives that He created for greatness. Shelley always tells the women and men in porn, “You are made for greater things than porn.”
I’m so grateful to God to be alive and even share my testimony with you. I have performed in over 40 porn films including a gang bang scene with 25 men, over 20 pornographic websites including my own and 3 pornographic magazines. I want you to know the truth, the porn companies DO NOT care about human value, they do not care if the men and women who perform in porn, God’s children, live or die. The porn performers are NOTHING but replaceable objects that keep porn companies wealthy while the majority (at least 95%) of porn performers struggle to make ends meet. Porn is NOT glamorous, this is my story, and this is my truth.
Jan Meza, formerly known as the dead woman “Elizabeth Rollings”
http://pornharms.com/personal/2011/05/05/porn-star-elizabeth-rollings-escapes-the-killer-porn-industry/
I’m not hooked
I’m not hooked, but it totally hurt my imagination and I still suffer from that years later
My father, who was a WONDERFUL man (he died of cancer when I was 15) was
troubled that I was a shy kid in junior high who at age 13 wasn’t wanting to date
any girls yet. So, in retrospect, I think he only wanted to help me “get interested”
when he bought me a copy of Playboy Magazine’s 20th anniversary edition.
Like other men when exposed, I can still see the pictures in my mind to this day.
(I don’t think Dad’s actions were fully uncommon; remembering the song
“Pictures of Lily” by The Who, which detailed much the same action but for a
slightly different reason.) I never quite became “hooked” to the point of buying it
constantly, but it totally hurt my imagination and I still suffer from that years later.
Also, my best friend in high school (later best man for my wedding) had a sister
who worked as a cashier at the town’s X-rated movie theatre, so we got to view
those frequently, which further deteriorated my views on sexuality and made me
somewhat oblivious to the effects of pornography (in front of and behind “the
screen”) until years later.
http://pornharms.com/personal/2012/08/21/im-not-hooked-but-it-totally-hurt-my-imagination-and-i-still-suffer-from-that-years-later/
troubled that I was a shy kid in junior high who at age 13 wasn’t wanting to date
any girls yet. So, in retrospect, I think he only wanted to help me “get interested”
when he bought me a copy of Playboy Magazine’s 20th anniversary edition.
Like other men when exposed, I can still see the pictures in my mind to this day.
(I don’t think Dad’s actions were fully uncommon; remembering the song
“Pictures of Lily” by The Who, which detailed much the same action but for a
slightly different reason.) I never quite became “hooked” to the point of buying it
constantly, but it totally hurt my imagination and I still suffer from that years later.
Also, my best friend in high school (later best man for my wedding) had a sister
who worked as a cashier at the town’s X-rated movie theatre, so we got to view
those frequently, which further deteriorated my views on sexuality and made me
somewhat oblivious to the effects of pornography (in front of and behind “the
screen”) until years later.
http://pornharms.com/personal/2012/08/21/im-not-hooked-but-it-totally-hurt-my-imagination-and-i-still-suffer-from-that-years-later/
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